Subscribe to our PODCAST here.What Shall I Do When There is Conflict In My Marriage?
Intro.
A. God intended for marriage to be a happy relationship - but that does not mean no conflict!
1. Many books have been written on happiness in the home and solving family problems - all that are worthwhile are based upon Biblical principles.
2. Happiness is not so much finding the right person - as being the right person. The only one you can change or altar is you! (Nervous bride “Isle Altar Him.”) It is not a reform school except to perfect/reform self.
B. Many marriages devolve into running battles.
1. Teenager wrote me 10 pages: “This family cannot keep going on the way it is going. We really need help badly. Mom and Dad fuss and bicker constantly - I mean from daylight till dark (if they are around each other). I am so afraid they are going to split up that I don’t know what to do...The funny thing is no one knows what really goes on in this family; if they knew, they would be shocked. This family is always at church, usually every time the doors are open, but I don’t guess it’s doing us any good, because if this family doesn’t change, we are never going to make it to heaven. If a stranger walked up to our house and heard Mom and Dad fussing, they would never believe they had been in church before. I am not exaggerating...Again, please help us, as we are in desperate need of it.”
2. A man who was unfaithful was asked to come back, and he said: “What good would it do, when my wife and I cause each other to live in a sort of ‘hell on earth,’ every day of the week? How can I worship God when my insides have been ripped apart by the constant bickering in which my wife and I engage? And how can the children be what they ought to be while growing up in such an atmosphere?”
3. Two relationships involved - husband and wife (and conflict in that is serious enough), parents and children (and Dr. Phil says “you don’t have the right to fight in front of your children.”)
Body:
A. The foundation of marriage (Gen. 2:21-25)
1. Severance - basic to a healthy marriage (It is “leave father/mother - not marry him/her” -
you should not have to be a father to your wife, nor a mother to your husband!)
a. Words of a folk song: “How old is she Billy Boy, Billy Boy? How old is she, charming Billy? Three times six and four times seven, Twenty eight and elev’n, She’s a young thing and cannot leave her mother.” (That’s 85 - don’t know how old her mother!)
b. Strife comes when you do not “leave” father and mother. Marriage is closer than the parent - child relationship.
2. Permanence - what God has joined together (Mt. 19:6). Not “till strife do us part...but till death do us part!”
3. Unity - two becoming one flesh - “leaving, cleaving and weaving” - a unity of persons, not simply a conjunction of bodies (though includes that). Animals are helpers to man - but none of them is a helper corresponding to man; animals are inferior, the woman is not... she is “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.”
4. Intimacy - they were naked and not ashamed. This is a product of the previous three things.
It is a sharing with that person what you are unwilling to share with anyone else.
B. Repairing the foundation (Prov. 24:3,4).
1. Built - means to restore - idea of rebuilding something so it flourishes - that requires wisdom. “Every wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands” (Prov. 14:1). “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (9:10).
2. Established - to set in order; place in an upright position - requires understanding. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction” (1:7).
3. Filled - to overflowing, abundant satisfaction - but knowledge, or perception requires taking the time and going to the trouble to learn.
C. Back to basics in “striking the original match” (Charles Swindoll):
1. Husbands and wives are to love one another (Eph. 5:22-33).
a. To husband - agape (5:25,28,33) balances leadership by eliminating selfishness. “As Christ loved the church” - not selfish; makes intelligent estimate of his wife’s needs and acts in her best interest, irrespective of his feelings. (Christ didn’t do what was best for Him but for us!)
b. To wife - phileo (Tit. 2:4) focuses on giving affection, rather than receiving it (major cause of friction in marriages)... “not romantic”...be romantic!
c. Both words apply to both - but emphasis there for a reason (cp. modesty and lust).
d. Love analyzed (1 Cor. 13:4-8): suffers long (patient - both will need it), kind (helpful, considerate), not envy (Living Bible “never jealous or envious,” RSV - “jealous,”
Phillips - “not possessive.”), not behave rudely (has good manners/like before marriage), not seek its own (self-centeredness is the opposite of love and, like jealousy, will eat the heart out of a relationship), not provoked (quick to take offense),
thinks no evil (keeps no score of wrongs), bears all things (always ready to excuse).
f. Read the passage putting your name for “love.”
g. How do we communicate that love”
1) Say the words - Joyce puts notes in my socks when I leave for a meeting!
2) Man told his wife on night of marriage “I’m telling you now that I love you, and if I
ever change my mind, I’ll let you know.” (Couple in Cordele did that!)
3) My first marriage counseling experience (Richmond).
2. Husbands and wives are to honor one another (1 Pet. 3:5-7).
a. “The weaker vessel” - physically, emotionally, in a vulnerable position, more delicate.
b. “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (Dr. James Dobson) - but who reads it? Husbands do not need it!!! (Wife gave it to her husband, laid it on night stand, read him a chapter each night..) Wives think we stay awake figuring ways to make their lives miserable - It just comes naturally.
c. We are wired differently - wife is not a female man, and man is not a male woman! “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” (John Gray) - we’re from different plants. Women want to talk - men want to solve/fix it; women want to shop - men want to hunt it, shoot it, bag it and go home, men want to conquer 300 miles, women want a peaceful vacation! Nothing wrong with being different - but strife comes when we do not recognize the differences.
3. Husbands cherish wives - wives obey husbands:
1) Cherish - “primarily means to heat...to keep warm, as of birds covering their young with their feathers, Dt. 22:6...metaphorically, to cherish with tender love, to foster with tender care, in Eph. 5:29 of Christ and the church” (W.E. Vine).
2) Obey - the husband is the head of his house and the wife should not have to take the lead in family decisions - should be joint decision - but someone has the final word (and wives - God put that responsibility on the husband - even if he’s wrong!). 1 Pet. 3:1-6 was written to wives who had the wrong kind of husbands.
3) Honor (1 Pet. 3:7 - “giving honor to the wife” from same root word as “precious” (1:19) - both should value, honor other by words and actions.
Concl.
A. Notice the words you heard at your wedding ceremony - love, honor and cherish/obey? We should build on that foundation, or renew it.
B. Acronym for LOVE
Listen - Overlook (faults; major on good points) - Value (opinions, though may not agree) -
Express (speak well to and of companion).
C. Story of Dave Roever - Vietnam war - navy - sulfur grenade - 60 pounds blown or burned off -
burn clinic in Calif.
D. Most major problems are caused by accumulation of little issues that were not resolved - Tell you that you love her - even if it shocks her at first/ bring a gift on occasion not special - don’t save flowers for the funeral.
A. God intended for marriage to be a happy relationship - but that does not mean no conflict!
1. Many books have been written on happiness in the home and solving family problems - all that are worthwhile are based upon Biblical principles.
2. Happiness is not so much finding the right person - as being the right person. The only one you can change or altar is you! (Nervous bride “Isle Altar Him.”) It is not a reform school except to perfect/reform self.
B. Many marriages devolve into running battles.
1. Teenager wrote me 10 pages: “This family cannot keep going on the way it is going. We really need help badly. Mom and Dad fuss and bicker constantly - I mean from daylight till dark (if they are around each other). I am so afraid they are going to split up that I don’t know what to do...The funny thing is no one knows what really goes on in this family; if they knew, they would be shocked. This family is always at church, usually every time the doors are open, but I don’t guess it’s doing us any good, because if this family doesn’t change, we are never going to make it to heaven. If a stranger walked up to our house and heard Mom and Dad fussing, they would never believe they had been in church before. I am not exaggerating...Again, please help us, as we are in desperate need of it.”
2. A man who was unfaithful was asked to come back, and he said: “What good would it do, when my wife and I cause each other to live in a sort of ‘hell on earth,’ every day of the week? How can I worship God when my insides have been ripped apart by the constant bickering in which my wife and I engage? And how can the children be what they ought to be while growing up in such an atmosphere?”
3. Two relationships involved - husband and wife (and conflict in that is serious enough), parents and children (and Dr. Phil says “you don’t have the right to fight in front of your children.”)
Body:
A. The foundation of marriage (Gen. 2:21-25)
1. Severance - basic to a healthy marriage (It is “leave father/mother - not marry him/her” -
you should not have to be a father to your wife, nor a mother to your husband!)
a. Words of a folk song: “How old is she Billy Boy, Billy Boy? How old is she, charming Billy? Three times six and four times seven, Twenty eight and elev’n, She’s a young thing and cannot leave her mother.” (That’s 85 - don’t know how old her mother!)
b. Strife comes when you do not “leave” father and mother. Marriage is closer than the parent - child relationship.
2. Permanence - what God has joined together (Mt. 19:6). Not “till strife do us part...but till death do us part!”
3. Unity - two becoming one flesh - “leaving, cleaving and weaving” - a unity of persons, not simply a conjunction of bodies (though includes that). Animals are helpers to man - but none of them is a helper corresponding to man; animals are inferior, the woman is not... she is “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.”
4. Intimacy - they were naked and not ashamed. This is a product of the previous three things.
It is a sharing with that person what you are unwilling to share with anyone else.
B. Repairing the foundation (Prov. 24:3,4).
1. Built - means to restore - idea of rebuilding something so it flourishes - that requires wisdom. “Every wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands” (Prov. 14:1). “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (9:10).
2. Established - to set in order; place in an upright position - requires understanding. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction” (1:7).
3. Filled - to overflowing, abundant satisfaction - but knowledge, or perception requires taking the time and going to the trouble to learn.
C. Back to basics in “striking the original match” (Charles Swindoll):
1. Husbands and wives are to love one another (Eph. 5:22-33).
a. To husband - agape (5:25,28,33) balances leadership by eliminating selfishness. “As Christ loved the church” - not selfish; makes intelligent estimate of his wife’s needs and acts in her best interest, irrespective of his feelings. (Christ didn’t do what was best for Him but for us!)
b. To wife - phileo (Tit. 2:4) focuses on giving affection, rather than receiving it (major cause of friction in marriages)... “not romantic”...be romantic!
c. Both words apply to both - but emphasis there for a reason (cp. modesty and lust).
d. Love analyzed (1 Cor. 13:4-8): suffers long (patient - both will need it), kind (helpful, considerate), not envy (Living Bible “never jealous or envious,” RSV - “jealous,”
Phillips - “not possessive.”), not behave rudely (has good manners/like before marriage), not seek its own (self-centeredness is the opposite of love and, like jealousy, will eat the heart out of a relationship), not provoked (quick to take offense),
thinks no evil (keeps no score of wrongs), bears all things (always ready to excuse).
f. Read the passage putting your name for “love.”
g. How do we communicate that love”
1) Say the words - Joyce puts notes in my socks when I leave for a meeting!
2) Man told his wife on night of marriage “I’m telling you now that I love you, and if I
ever change my mind, I’ll let you know.” (Couple in Cordele did that!)
3) My first marriage counseling experience (Richmond).
2. Husbands and wives are to honor one another (1 Pet. 3:5-7).
a. “The weaker vessel” - physically, emotionally, in a vulnerable position, more delicate.
b. “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (Dr. James Dobson) - but who reads it? Husbands do not need it!!! (Wife gave it to her husband, laid it on night stand, read him a chapter each night..) Wives think we stay awake figuring ways to make their lives miserable - It just comes naturally.
c. We are wired differently - wife is not a female man, and man is not a male woman! “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” (John Gray) - we’re from different plants. Women want to talk - men want to solve/fix it; women want to shop - men want to hunt it, shoot it, bag it and go home, men want to conquer 300 miles, women want a peaceful vacation! Nothing wrong with being different - but strife comes when we do not recognize the differences.
3. Husbands cherish wives - wives obey husbands:
1) Cherish - “primarily means to heat...to keep warm, as of birds covering their young with their feathers, Dt. 22:6...metaphorically, to cherish with tender love, to foster with tender care, in Eph. 5:29 of Christ and the church” (W.E. Vine).
2) Obey - the husband is the head of his house and the wife should not have to take the lead in family decisions - should be joint decision - but someone has the final word (and wives - God put that responsibility on the husband - even if he’s wrong!). 1 Pet. 3:1-6 was written to wives who had the wrong kind of husbands.
3) Honor (1 Pet. 3:7 - “giving honor to the wife” from same root word as “precious” (1:19) - both should value, honor other by words and actions.
Concl.
A. Notice the words you heard at your wedding ceremony - love, honor and cherish/obey? We should build on that foundation, or renew it.
B. Acronym for LOVE
Listen - Overlook (faults; major on good points) - Value (opinions, though may not agree) -
Express (speak well to and of companion).
C. Story of Dave Roever - Vietnam war - navy - sulfur grenade - 60 pounds blown or burned off -
burn clinic in Calif.
D. Most major problems are caused by accumulation of little issues that were not resolved - Tell you that you love her - even if it shocks her at first/ bring a gift on occasion not special - don’t save flowers for the funeral.